L’Irrequietezza (Restlessness)

(2010)

Now that I had a plane ticket, all that was left was those final, pesky details.  The more I planned the great solo trip of 2010, the more I was looking forward to the 10 days I would have away from my normal life.

Not that my normal life was bad.  In fact, it was pretty good.  I was living in Washington DC, working at my dream job and surrounded by great friends.

But I was restless.

Ever since college I had lived a somewhat nomadic existence.  Constantly looking for a new adventure, I regularly changed locations, friends, jobs and activities.  Traveling had become a necessity in my life, and I took every opportunity to learn new things, meet new people and see new places.

DC had been my first attempt to “put down some roots.”  I stayed with the same job, lived in the same house, hung out with the same friends – all in the attempt to find fulfillment through normalcy.  I found that DC definitely had enough going on to keep me busy and I could satiate my wanderlust with trips up and down the eastern seaboard.  However, after almost 3 years, the question of whether or not I was happy with my life was occupying more and more of my thoughts.

A big part of that question had to do with Allen.  Allen and I had been dating on and off for about a year and a half.  He was great, there was do denying that.  Loyal, considerate, Allen treated me like a queen – and he wanted to marry me.  I knew that I should want to marry him as well, but there was always something that held me back.  I just couldn’t see spending the rest of my life with him.  And I felt like a complete heel because of it.

That feeling of guilt – the knowledge that there was no sane reason why I wasn’t completely happy with him – left me completely inept at breaking things off for good.  The whole time we were dating it was the same cycle.

  • Allen would very sweetly pursue me
  • We would date and all would be well
  • Things would progress to the point that it was either marry or break up
  • I wouldn’t feel good about it
  • We would break-up
  • We would spend some time apart
  • Allen would convince me that we could still be friends
  • We would start doing things on a casual “we’re just friends basis”
  • Allen would be really sweet
  • I would be convinced to try again
  • And the cycle would repeat

It was getting a little ridiculous.  All my family and friends thought I was slightly crazy, but I just didn’t know how to completely shut out a guy who did everything in his power to make me happy.

At the time that I was planning this trip Allen was trying to convince me to try yet again.   Though I could feel myself being sucked back in, I was desperately trying to figure out how to be strong, and follow my heart.  I hoped that this upcoming trip, besides being fun, relaxing and refreshing, would give me a new perspective on what I was currently doing with my life; that by stepping outside my normal routine, I would be able to obtain some clarity.

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, but as I went to the airport (and yes, Allen was driving me), I was attacked by a sudden case of nerves.  I had a feeling, deep in my gut, that this trip was going to offer more than simple perspective; it was going to alter the path of my life.

Advertisements

About ciaobellamiastory

What do you do with that magical moment when everything makes sense - when all the random choices, experiences and encounters come together, and you find that rare instant of clairty? Then what do you do when it all falls apart? About 12 years ago I decided to take an Italian 101 course. That seemingly random choice has forever altered the path of my life. My strange connection with the language, culture and people of Italy started with love and joy and culminated with unexpected loss, grief and despair. While previously I was content to follow this unpredictable path, today I seek to understand the reasons and lessons behind my journey. My journey towards understanding begins here.
This entry was posted in 2010, Allen, Choices, DC, Italy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to L’Irrequietezza (Restlessness)

  1. Awesome! Good for you for embarking on your journey and listening to your instincts. I can’t wait to see what opportunities are around the corner!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s