I was verging on hysteria when I entered into the house. I was quickly overcome with regret for my actions. What if he hadn’t understood? What if he thought I wanted it to be over? I didn’t want to end our relationship. I didn’t want to break our engagement. But I could no longer wear his ring when I wasn’t even sure he wanted things to continue.
As the sobs continued, I was desperate to talk to someone. I frantically opened my computer, praying that my mom would be on. When her “offline” status appeared, I could feel my desperation heighten. Remembering the phone card in my wallet, I frenetically pawed through my purse until I found it. I knew that there wasn’t much money left on the card, but I hoped it would be enough. My hands were shaking so badly I could barely dial the number. As soon as he said hello, I started sobbing. Managing to gasp out that it was her daughter, I pleaded for her to get on Skype as quickly as possible. I could hear the concern in her voice as she assured me that she would and the phone line promptly dropped.
The moments until she signed on seemed to last forever. I couldn’t control my tears, and the emotional pain of what had just happened became physical. I gasped at the intensity of the deep, searing pain within my chest, which relegated me to the fetal position on my bed.
Finally, finally, my mom came online. I reached over to accept her incoming call, but all I could was cry. Her face was blurred through my tears, but the concern radiated through the screen. Though the tears never seemed to end, I managed to gulp and gasp out what had happened, dissolving into a fresh batch of sobs when I told her that I had given the ring back. At this point I was completely panicked, positive that I had made the wrong choice and that I would forever regret that moment.
My mom finally was able to calm me down – to a point. But even she didn’t know exactly what to say. No one had anticipated this.
Realizing that my biggest concern at this point was that Mario had misunderstood, she counseled me to write him a letter explaining my thought process. Writing would allow me the time to calm down and think about what I truly wanted to say, while helping me be a little more rational. Sending me her love, and making me promise her to call the next day, she left me to my letter.
After hanging up, I just stared at my screen. My emotions refused to settle, alternating between despair and panic. After a few false starts, I began to pour out my soul.